I used to have a bad habit of writing on my dad's walls. I wasn't trying to write anything bad or purposefully damage the walls, I just wanted to write little notes for me, my dad, or my brother to find in the future. I did the same thing in my notebooks for school or little scraps of paper I would put in my bags or books. I did this especially when I was having a bad day. I took comfort in the fact that future Chiara probably had her life figured it out. Future Chiara was doing great and was doing exactly what she wanted to do.
I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for most of my life and I've found it incredibly difficult to just exist in the world. My little notes to future Chiara helped me cope, they let me know that I would still be here in a year, and I would be doing way better than I currently was.
About a week ago I got a Snapchat notification that said "Chair, do you remember what happened a year ago today?" I definitely did not so I clicked on it and saw photos from many Octobers past. I have to admit that I was having an extremely difficult time that day and I was immediately overwhelmed with what I saw. I saw me and my childhood cat Blue taking some selfies, photos of me and my former best friend, and some college memories. All of these pictures were already making me sad but then I saw the most recent one. It was a photo from exactly a year ago. The picture showed me laying in bed with tears on my face. The caption said "Hey future Chiara, I'm on bedrest after hemorrhaging and Mabel is at the emergency vet. I hope today is going better for you."
I remembered this happening, but in my mind it felt like it was many years ago and not just last year. It helped put a lot of things into perspective and got me feeling pretty grateful. I've been thinking about last year a lot because I had definitely romanticized it in my head. To be fair it was a a good year. I graduated, had my first serious relationship, adopted my beautiful cat Mabel, and I got to reconnect with a lot of important people in my life. However, it was also a pretty damaging year. I faced medical discrimination at a job I truly enjoyed after I went through a frightening health emergency. Two people who I loved and who I thought loved me ended relationships that were very near and dear to my heart. I had some of the most painful medical procedures I've ever had and they didn't make much of a difference. I find it very easy to focus on the bad things in my life and that has always been a real problem for me. Recently though I have been making a conscious effort to look at the things I have instead of the things I don't. The photo helped remind me of that.
That stupid Snapchat memory hit me really hard and it got me thinking about how truly good this year has been. I got a job I really love with coworkers who I enjoy working with. I have been able to start exercising again and going out into the world to accomplish things. Most importantly, I officially launched my business. I got my cottage license and actually started to feel confident about the products I was putting out. Of course I am still going to have bad times but now I have learned to look at the positives, at the things I have accomplished and not those I haven't.
At the end of September I had my first event as a business and during the weeks before I was keeping myself up at night imagining the worst scenarios possible. I was terrified that I would fail, that no one showed up and my food would taste awful. I stressed and stressed but I thought about last year Chiara. I thought about what she was going through and how never in a million years would I have thought that people would show up for an event for my little business just one year later. I never thought that I would have the confidence to put myself and my food into the world and follow my dreams. Its cheesy, but through all of this I learned how to be myself
I've always had trouble with confidence and picturing my future self has helped me put more faith in myself and my abilities. The SnapChat that had showed one of the lowest points in my life proved to me that past Chiara was right. She was right to put her faith into me because I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am doing better. Sure my health is still pretty poor and I still struggle with my mental health but compared to a year ago I'm doing way better. I am doing something I'm passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. After years of putting my trust into future Chiara, I am future Chiara! And I think I'm doing pretty well for myself.
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